rhyme & reason

I love this poem.  It makes a lot of sense when I'm looking back over my life. I can see the truth in it.  So when I'm going through a kind of blue patch, like now, I think of this, and know there is a rhyme and reason.  I don't know what's up with me, part of it is hormonal, for sure, but I also just feel a  bit low. I can be a  melancholy person, so I tend to wallow.  But then there are things like this poem that remind me to have faith.

Rumi - Guest House
"This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond."

falling slowly

Ladies holiday as of today!  Yay! except I still had to get up stupid and early to teach.  I wanna lie in! dammit.  As I have no practice news I'll leave you with a song I'm obsessed  by at the moment.  I know that it won the Oscar, so it might be overplayed, but it's so beautiful.  And if you haven't seen the film yet, go watch.  It's really sweet. 

sweet Wednesday

So far this week, practice has been surprisingly nice.  Body feels open, mind is connected to breath, and I've had a few days of an 'ahhh' feeling after practice.  I'm worried about what tomorrow will bring, cos you know that good shit ain't gonna last. But, God, you gotta love it when it's there.  Hamstrings feel loose, even the dodgy left one.  Backbending is nice, I've grabbed heels in kapotasana every day, and yesterday I even touched my toes on the descent.  First time that I did that by myself.  I've  grabbed my ankles on the descent with help, which felt freaky but ok. But no way could I reproduce that by myself.  Dropbacks were ok, no major change.  The LBH's were also ok, bit better than usual. But that is a slow road for me. Pincha is coming, again slowly, but definitely closer than before. 

We had a photo shoot in the studio yesterday, as we are getting some pr done. So myself and the BF did some poses.  He did the funky balancing ones, and I did the bendy stuff.  But my body is feeling it today.  I did a lot of kapotasanas, drop backs, eka padas.  Very intense.  Combine that with teaching 3 classes and it made for a tired lady last night. But yay it's Wednesday! Friday off! Double yay! 

No other news.  Mothers day this Sunday, but I have a  workshop on in the afternoon so I'll head out  in the evening to pay my respects to my lovely mother.  Bless her. She's a great woman. 

sweet Wednesday

ramblings....

Oh lordy I'm a tired!  No particular reason I'm afraid, no madly exciting reason for my tiredness.  I did only get about 6 hours sleep last night, as was up watching movie past midnight, then up at 7.30 to practice.  Practice this morning was so-so.  I was on a  sharp timetable, as we had a  christening to go to this morning, and normally being on a limited time frame is good for me as it makes me focus.  Not this morning tough.  Oh no.  Did my pranayama with no delays, and started out my practice well, with good focus, but once I started second, the drifting started.  Even though I knew that I didn't have time for it, the mind wandered.  Bad lady.  Without the focus of awareness and strong connection to breath, my practice is just stretching.  No yoga. It feels completely different to when I practice with awareness. Need to stop drifting.  But that is the danger of home practice.  For me there is no major problem about getting up to practice, the problem is the awareness during practice. Thats why I love practicing in a  shala, for that energy.  Tis a precious thing.  That's part of the reason I started this blog, to give me a sense of belonging to a community. 

Physically, my practice today was fine.  Sunday is never the easiest day, after a day off, but I make up in energy what I lack in flexibility.  And as the practice continued my body opened up to it.  Laghu felt lovely and easy, the legs stayed strong throughout.  Kapotasana I grabbed my heels, but again with the focus on keeping my hips lifted, resulting in my elbows not touching the floor.  The LBHs were the usual.  No worse, no better.  Oh I long for the day when they feel comfortable, not claustrophobic.  Pincha was ok, I kicked up and held it without using the wall. Progress is happening.  Drop backs were not so good.  The first one was nice, felt nice and controlled, stayed in the legs, but for some reason after that I lost the legs, and relied on feet turning out -i.e lower back working excessively- to propel myself up.  If I'd had more time I would have done more to stop that bad habit, but I didn't have time, so I guess that's tomorrows project.  My lower back is flexible, so I rely on that to do my work, slowly slowly I'm trying to change that.

After a super short savasana, out to shower, brekkie, make myself look fancy, then out the door to church. All by 11am.  Pretty impressive in my world. Now I'm on the couch, after having a little nap, trying to decide what to have for dinner. I'm not feeling very inspired.  Also, the BF is back to being sick boy after a not so fabulous meal on Friday night.  Poor darlin. And here we are again, on the cusp of another week. Wow time flies.  Mortality seems so obvious now, in a way that it wasn't 10 years ago.  Getting older I guess. sigh.

no news

Continuing on from yesterday, I started my practice with a dedication to my aunt and repeated my 'focus' mantra. It worked for most of the practice.  I've been looking over yoga mala again, so I was focused on the correct vinyassas today, not taking any extra breaths. It was all good until laghu vajrasana.  Then I had to take a couple of extra breaths, and again before kapotasana.  But I was able to grab my heels today which was good.  However I was keeping my hips lifted whilst in the pose, so as not to crunch my lower back, and I wasn't able to get my elbows to the floor. But that's ok. My upper back is still all tight from when I tweaked it.  The LBH poses were the usual, no news there.  I kicked up into pincha without touching the wall, and held it for just a couple of breaths, but I am starting to get a feel for the pose, and can see it's arrival in my not too distant future.  I did my drop backs but they just didn't feel as comfortable as yesterdays. My sacrum was buzzing in a nervy way.  But at least the thumping head rush I used to get after doing them has stopped appearing.  

And thats that.  Tomorrow is a moon day, which I'm grateful for, as I'm back on my full schedule of classes this week. It's tiring, but all will change in a months time.  I love teaching, but at the moment I'm doing 15 a week, with a lot of travel, and combine that with a strong practice, I sometimes feel very drained.  But hey, whose life is perfect? And on the whole I love my life.  I do think it funny when I stand back and look at my life, how different it is from 10 years ago.  It just goes to show, there's no point in stressing about the future, because life unfolds in ways you can't imagine. Faith.

Ah, this is why we do it

Practice today was a  surprise.  I was on a limited time frame as I had set my alarm for the wrong time, so I knew that I didn't have time for any zoning out.  So I did my pranayama, then after the opening chant I dedicated my practice to my aunt who is very sick, and repeated my 'focus' mantra. Oh the start of my practice was so stiff.  One of those where touching my toes seems impossible.  Even after the full 10 sun salutes I still felt like I was made of concrete.  But I soldiered on, catching my awareness when it had drifted and coming back to the breath.  Even krounchasana felt foreign.  But still I continued. Enjoying the focus and rhythm of my breath, I resigned my self to a stiff practice and just enjoyed it regardless. Kapotasana I just touched my toes as I wimped out of pushing myself  any further.  Hey there have to be some benefits to a home practice! The LBH poses were, surprise surprise, stiff. I also took it relatively easy on myself for eka pada, I held the foot in place on both sides as I didn't want to strain my neck/shoulder any more. But again I managed to kind of jump into the pose which is great. A wee bit of progress is always appreciated. The tittibhasana sequence floored me as I haven't done it since Thursday and I find it so tough.  I just want to lie on the floor in a foetal position after doing it.  But pincha mayurasana was a surprise.  I actually kicked up without the wall and hed it for 8 breaths! Now that was just a fluke, but it shows it is possible. Then dropbacks were actually nice.  By really tucking in my tailbone, drawing shoulders down the back, and arching my chest as though going over a  beach ball, I can feel the lower back lengthen and it doesn't pinch. I'm also doing this thing that an Iyengar teacher told me to do, which is once I've arched back, to stretch my arms overhead  and hang there for a moment, and I can really feel the psoas muscle stretch doing that.  It also makes my descent much more controlled, and keeps it in my legs, so that when I go to come up, I'm using my quads rather than relying on feet turning out.  Ah so lovely! 

So after my practice I felt great.  Nothing spectacular about it, it was a  stiff practice, but I felt so centered after it.  Mind was quiet, and I just felt that connection to the universal. Must remember : more focus = happy practice. And it really brought it home to me, that it really doesn't matter about the physical appearance of the asana. We don't need to strive for a  better looking practice, or yearn for the next posture.  We need to connect to the practice on the subtle level, and therein lies the beauty of the ashtanga practice.

Ahimsa

So no practice yesterday as I was feeling quite tired from night before, and too lazy too get my ass into gear.  Bad lady.

But then todays practice was quite lame as my shoulder is still quite achy.  I started off thinking I might just do standing, but then I felt ok so I kept going.  The mind was terribly unfocused tho, lots of stopping and staring into space.  And I stopped at kapotasana as my upper back was too stiff to open into the pose, and I know that it's too much on my lower back to do the pose that way. So I did a few urdhva danurasanas, tried to do shoulderstand, but that a definite no-go, so lay in viparati kirani for a while then did the final 3 postures.  But there is something up with my knees at the moment.  I haven't gone into urdhva padmasana for quite a while as there is a horrible crunching noise from my knees as I go in to it, so I just cross my legs for that sequence.  Then the final 3 I don't always go into padmasana as I'm a bit fearful of stressing out the knees some more.  The BF had knee surgery a year ago, and I really don't want to go down that route. So I'm practising ahimsa, and hoping it will all sort itself out.  

Speaking of The BF, he's still not feeling well after his exorcist experience, and in the beginning I was being a good girlfriend, and nursing him.  But now he's driving me a  bit batty.  I'm a  horrible person I know, but I can be quite dismissive of man sickness.  I really feel that women are so much stronger.  Oh but I need to stop being a bitch. Ahimsa.  AMntra for the next while methinks.

home sweet home

So I surprised myself yesterday and practiced.  I went in to the room feeling like shit, and was very tempted to just veg on couch in front of v, but I knew that I should at least try and practice.  So I made a deal with myself that I would see how I felt after the first couple of sunsalutes.  If I still felt like crap, then I would stop and go to couch .  But during my first one my body felt open and I knew that I would be ok.  So I did my whole practice.  And you know what?  It was a really nice practice. I still felt a bit numb from the booze, so my mind was quiet and there was an element of ease throughout.  Maybe because I was expecting nothing from my practice that day it gave me lots in return. Kapotasana wasn't so great, but I don't usually push myself in it.  I can grab my heels by myself no problem usually, but there are some days that my back just does not want to do it.  I do think part of it is a mental block transferring to a physical block - it feels like I really  cannot do the pose on those days - and in that regard I think that it is good to push myself to overcome it.  But on the other hand it is a very intense backbend and combine that with the LBH poses, I think its a lot for my poor ol' sacrum to be dealing with.  So I do feel that there is a genuine physical reason to not push myself.  I did a  workshop with Richard Freeman last year and there were a couple of second series practitioners there with serious back issues. And he advised that it is not necessarily a good thing to do postures like kapotasana every day. It should be spread out over the week.  Thats how they all learned it back in the day.  Now I know that some people would disagree with this approach, and who knows what is the 'correct' way, but this is the way that I do it.  I'd say about 3 out of 5 practices I get hands to heels, the other 2 times I touch my toes. It's not an issue for me, as I have the LBH poses to occupy my time.  Yesterday they actually felt ok.  I still did eka pada twice, but the second time actually felt reasonably comfortable.  Foot stayed behind the head on both sides throughout the sequence. Normally I have to hold the left foot in place. I even managed to jump in to it! Vaguely. Better then I used to anyway.   Dropbacks were lovely.  I found by keeping weight forward in my legs more, I was able to get a deeper arch, and could see my heels on the descent. Slowly slowly.....

Todays practice was so so. Poor BF was up all night puking his guts out, so I felt quite groggy on the mat. But it was fine.  Apart from the fact I tweaked my neck and the muscles feel locked.  I think it was in setu bandha, but I only felt it when I lifted up into urdva danurasana.  Now its quite sore. But this happens from time to time.  I definitely have imbalances between the 2 sides of my body and yoga is helping with them, but from time to time tweaks happen. Ah well, what to do?...

Now for a  lovely restful Friday night.  I had a  facial earlier which was lovely, I've just made some banana muffins, so I'm going to have one now with a cup of tea, then make dinner and watch a  movie with sick boy. I love my home!

The big drift

Oh dear.  My blog is less than a week old and I've already lapsed in writing.  Oops.  Better warn you right now that this will not be a regular blog.

So, practice wise it's been an average week. Nothing new or wonderful to report.  I have been very tired this week, so my practice has been quite lethargic. And distracted also.  That is a big danger for me.  I will get up to practice, but then will sit on my mat for a while, drifting off, and then start late and have to rush through my practice, or else drift off in the middle, and then have to rush through the rest of it.  Must stop that.  

I haven't yet practiced today -bad lady I know!  I'm feeling a bit groggy as yesterday was our- the BF and me-  anniversary and we both took the day off work to hang out together.  we had such a lovely day! We had pancakes for breakfast - always a good start- then went for a lovely walk, then afternoon tea in a cute little teashop.  Then back home to get changed to go out for dinner.  We went to a restaurant that was part of a hotel, and I didn't have high expectations  for the interior, thought it might be real country hotel design, but it was gorgeous! Real old school, not in the slightest bit trendy,but very cosy.  And the food was fabulous.  Then we went to a classical concert in an old church.  It was mind-blowingly beautiful.  Transcendent. 

All in all a magical day.  But a couple of glasses of wine and a pint o' Guinness and I am quite hungover.  So I got up to practice, but sat on the mat for a while, then decided to do my pranayama, and then sat and drifted off some more, until it got too late to start my practice, so I figured I'd practice in the afternoon.  Hmmmm, but will I? That is the question.....

Sunshine on a happy day

Oh how amazing it is to have some sunshine and warmth! You almost forget what it is like to have a  bright, warm day, and how everything seems so much nicer in the sunshine.  All the windows in the apartment are open, there's a gentle breeze coming through, and all is well in my world.  And seeing as it's only early February, it's Ireland, it's completely unexpected.  We're all set for another couple of months of shitty weather.  And last year we had a  whole summer of crappy rain. I definitely feel like I was born in the wrong country at times.  I'm a  sunshine babe.  And now I have a lovely Saturday ahead of me.   I've finished teaching, am going to have a  late lunch now- avocado on toast in case you're interested-, and then head up to the city later to meet my friend for dinner and movie.  And tomorrow I have no plans, which I love.  The BF is going to a  gig with friends and staying out, so I'm home alone tonight which I also like.  I miss him of course, but I do like being myself.  And him not being beside me in bed makes it so much easier to roll out tomorrow morning to practice. 

Damn it, life is goooddd. Bring it on. 

Friday, how I love thee...

Thank crunchie it's Friday.  I love love lovvvvveee Fridays. They're my Saturday, as I actually work Saturdays.  But Friday is r & r.  Also, it's primary only day in my practice, which is such a  comfort.  At this stage primary is like  an old friend that I don't get to see very often, but with whom I used to spend a lot of time. So when Friday rolls around I really look forward to my practice.  And today was lovely.  Not that anything amazingly wonderful or different happened, actually I felt rather stiff and heavy during practice, but it was just lovely to move through the practice with comfort. With my breath. To not be inwardly quivering and dreading the LBH poses.  But maybe because I was treating it as 'only primary', it kind of kicked my ass. I'd forgotten how tiring all the vinyasas are, and had forgotten how much second opens up my back. So when it came time for backbending, I did 4, and was going to quit. My back felt stiff and tight. So I gave up. Did paschiomattanasana and everything.  Then I gave myself I pep talk, told myself not to be so lame and such a  wimp, and so I went back into backending mode and did dropbacks.  I wish I could say they felt amazing.  But they didn't.  However I was very glad that I did them, as even though my back is relatively open, I still don't enjoy them, and I often wimp out of them.  But no longer! Now that I have this blog I am using it as incentive to  not be a wimp. Kind of like a report card. Otherwise days could go by, and not a  dropback in sight.

So now I go have dinner, and veg in front of tv. Am very tired for some reason, and am looking forward to some chillout time.

One more time.....yay for Fridays! Yahoo!

christening day!

Ok.  After being a reader of yoga blogs for the last year, I have finally decided to bite the bullet and write my own. Why? Well, mainly because I want to document my practice.  At the moment it feels like nothing is really happening or changing, but I know it HAS to be different today than how it was this time last year. I also realized that I had gotten a  lot of helpful insights into different aspects of the practice through reading others' blogs, and so I decided to return the favour. Join the community. 

I've nothing to report about my practice today as today is a moon day -bless it!- but I do intend to go into my practice room shortly to do my pranayama practice and work on pincha mayurasana - the bane of my life. Well, that and the LBH poses. Sigh. Maybe this time next year I will have new things to bitch about.  I hope so. Eka Pada has been a constant complaint for over  a year now.   There is a tiny bit of progress being made, but I still feel so claustrophobic in that and Dwi Pada.  Yoga nidrasana I actually like. 

But I know that I go easy on myself in practice. You see, I am a solo practitioner. There is no shala or teacher I can go to here. I go to workshops whenever they're on -about twice a  year- and visit my teacher once or twice a  year.  The rest of the time its just me and my mat.  And its been great.  A strong lesson in self-discipline. I just have to roll out of bed in the morning and head into the room next door to practice.  No commute or nasty weather to deal with.  It makes it really powerful any time I do practice with others.  I get to have breakfast and shower at home.  But I also miss out on the energy of a  group practice.  Of having that daily connection with  a teacher who will give me a gentle kick up the arse when I'm being lazy. But on the whole I'm really happy with my self-practice. Because that is what it has become.  A self-practice. Just me and my mat.  Every day the same.  Every day different.